Caitlin Elizabeth: June 2011

I was playing around on the Internet this morning when I came across this article on The Frisky about why dating someone older than you is awesome.

This isn't the first time I've dated anyone older than me. It never exceeded 6 or 7 years before. I've never been the type of person to care about someone's age. It's the last thing I think about or care about. I like people for who they are, regardless of how old they are. Most of my friends happen to be older than me (one of my closest friends is ten years older than me) because, at 22, I've always been more mature than most people my age. Even when I was growing up, I was disinterested in much of what my peers were doing. I do have an inner child, yes, but I also grew up very quickly while dealing with a sick parent and two younger brothers who looked up to me while they were growing up. I got a lot of my stupid shit out of my system before I was even 20. I dated my fair share of good guys, and also my fair share of assholes. Age ain't nothin' but a number--if you're an asshole, you're an asshole. After the last go-round, who was younger than me by a little over two weeks, which lasted three years, I threw my hands up in exasperation and wasn't even thinking about dating anyone at all, let alone anyone older or younger than me.

And then I met my boyfriend. He didn't know he was going to be my boyfriend at the time, of course. Especially the first time that we met, when I was still dating the aforementioned three-year circus show. We got along right away, he was easy going and sweet and laughed at my dumb jokes. I felt comfortable and suddenly giddily, stupidly happy for the first time in years. Neither of us really knew how old the other person was, it was almost an afterthought. When we figured it out, we didn't care. And now here we are.

Yes, my boyfriend may have finished high school before I even made it to the third grade, but although we joke about it from time to time, our age difference is almost nonexistent. He's diabetic, but healthier than most "normal" people. He makes me laugh, he's always genuinely concerned about me, and he's always, always, ALWAYS there for me no matter what kind of day he's having.

So, here we go: 11 Reasons Why My Boyfriend is Awesome. GET READY FOR THE EMBARRASSMENT, HONEY: (Here's the original list, if you care to also read it and if you must know, each of these reasons is absolutely true: http://www.thefrisky.com/post/246-11-reasons-dating-an-older-man-is-awesome/)

1. My boyfriend is hot. I don't care about appearances, as you all know, so I wavered at putting this at number one even though the list isn't chronological or anything, but as one of my friends recently argued, you should be physically attracted to your signficant other in addition to their personality. He takes care of himself because he has to, and a lot of people don't know that he is diabetic. I've never seen anyone so vigilant about their body and it helps me manage my health problems and be more vigilant also. That doesn't mean that he doesn't eat junk or ice cream or even candy. He LOVES the shit out of food and anyone who loves food that much also loves life, and you can tell. The dude will eat pretty much almost anything, but he loves things that taste good and gets me to try stuff. But he also makes sure to work out and stay healthy, and thusly, he is hot. Sidebar: He always smells good and contrary to what he thinks, a little gray is sexy. Plus his skin is better than mine.
2. He knows when to shut up and let me do my thing. We have had a few arguments, but they are always few and far between and always resolved pretty quickly. He doesn't dwell on things, and he doesn't harp on them constantly. I have seen his angry, human side and it ain't nothin' I can't handle. I grew up with two hormonal teenage boys. But we always talk it out afterward and tell each other how we feel. He's mature enough to handle honesty and to be honest without being a dick...most of the time. He knows how to apologize, because in his mind, he's too old to be dealing with petty crap and wasting time on dumb arguments. But he also acknowledges when something really does bother me and he always listens.
3. Which brings me to: He always listens. Or at least, even when he doesn't want to listen, he listens. I know that not all guys want to hear about my new shoes or my new shirt. My boyfriend does like clothes, but he's not gay about it. I know that his eyes glaze over sometimes when I talk about a new dress or what happened at work, but he genuinely does listen and offers good advice when it comes to my work and family life. He always cheers me up when I'm sad.
4. Which also brings me to: He gives good advice. He never tries to parent me, but sometimes, having more years of life and experience does help out when it comes to certain things. He introduces me to new things and new ways of doing things. I learn a lot, and I also teach him a lot, too. He's smart and we have great conversations and he's quick with math in his head which is convenient when I can't figure out the simplest math problems or when I want the cheapest deal on something at the grocery store. This is an unwavering rule: The man that I marry must be good at math, because I am so horribly, shamefully terrible at it.
5. He introduces me to new things. I'm the kind of person who feels a little out of context in this era, and I always have. I gravitate toward classic rock and older movies, so I have a vast knowledge of music and film that a lot of twentysomethings don't. There's still a lot I don't know about, mainly the good stuff from the late eighties and early nineties, when I was barely cognizant enough to learn my alphabet and how to tie my shoes. I missed out on a lot of stuff from that time, and I've been introduced to some stuff that I really like now. My boyfriend and I have pretty much the exact same taste in music and movies and he listens to a lot of the weird but awesome shit that I listen to, too. He always has an open mind and is willing to try pretty much anything, which I adore about him. He loves showing me stuff I haven't heard before that he knows I'll like because of my reaction. The nice thing about our age difference is that it isn't so great that we don't remember a lot of the same things from the same time, mainly the late nineties through the early 2000's. Granted, he might have been in his twenties while I was in my 'tweens while we were both playing Animal Crossing, but still! I was a cool kid and always will be, I rocked the leggings and flannel from 1994-present. Some things never change.
6. He is the perfect height for me, and his torso and chest area are built to my exact snuggle specifications. At 6'1, he is neither too short nor too gargantuan. I don't have to stand on my tiptoes to kiss him, and he doesn't have to lean down from nine cloud layers away to hug me, but, at almost 5'9, I can wear heels if I want to around him. There is nothing that I hate more than being the same height or taller than the guy that I'm dating. It's just awkward.
7. He likes to laugh and to make me laugh. I live to make him laugh, and vice versa. My dad once told me that his only weapon in his arsenal was making my mom laugh to get her to date him, making her laugh to get her to say yes to his proposal, and making her laugh for the rest of her life just to keep the peace after nearly thirty years of marriage. My parents are the best example for this and I've always wanted to end up with someone who makes me laugh on a daily basis. My dad still makes me my mom crack up so much that she can't breathe. My parents are awesome and they are perfect for each other. You can tell that they have always been best friends and that they are the love of each other's life. They banter and bicker but at the end of the day, they're only happy around each other. That's just how I want my life to be. I don't care about money, all I care about is enjoying the time that I spend with the person that I love. Life's too short for bullcrap. Money is nice and makes things less stressful, but it's not the most important thing in the world to me. As long as you can put up with each other on a daily basis, money problems will work themselves out as long as you can work together.
8. Well, you can probably guess this one. Like the article says, a guy doesn't know what he's doing at this point...then he's hopeless forever and you don't have to teach him. Luckily for me, I don't have to teach anything.
9. He doesn't want kids and he knows himself. He's had time to get through his awkward stages and his volatile twenties. He knows himself pretty well at this point, and although he likes to pretend that he's perfect sometimes, he knows that he isn't and he's honest about his feelings and his flaws. When you're up front about things, it makes everything else that much smoother. We both want the same things out of life and neither of us are healthy enough to have or want children. It's a huge relief. We're totally fine being the cool aunt and uncle and then going home to a child-free house. My dog is our baby, and that's totally okay.
10. Which brings me to: My dog LOVES him and he loves her. He's insanely good with her and loves the crap out of her. They're best buddies and she's a daddy's girl. She follows him around as much as she follows me. Sometimes she even listens to him more than me. Her behavior has never been better. She's mellowed out but still puppyish and playful. Watching them snuggle and play and nap together (complete with simultaneous snoring!) melts my heart. She gets beyond excited whenever he's at the door and waits with barely contained wiggles and kisses until the last second when he walks in the door and she bombards him with love. I mean, my dog jumps like four feet into the air, literally. We're a little family and she's not happy unless we're both in the room together with her. She loves sidling up to my boyfriend and putting her head on his chest, often stealing my spot. But it's okay, cuz we love her.
11. He's pretty much always down for anything and keeps up with my young ass. Although I'm a lot older physically than most people my age thanks to my health problems, I still like going out and doing things. My boyfriend makes going to Kroger and stopping at Wendy's fun. He makes everything fun and gets interested in the smallest things. We love to people watch and make up stories about other people that we see in public or in the cars next to us. We play stupid little games like counting the number of redlights between his house and mine, and he plays Padiddle with me even though it annoys him. The thing that I like most about him is that he has a young spirit and that will never change no matter how old we get.

Now that I've sufficiently embarrassed him, I'll stop there, but I also have this to say: I don't care what anyone says. Age, looks, smarts, whatever. It's all relative. When you realize that someone is right for you, you just know and that's all there is to it. Nothing else can get in the way. Plus, when I'll always be his hot young woman, even when I'm a ripe old 70.

All right, you guys. I've been thinking about this for a while (like, for years) and I've even written about why I don't like babies before. (They're gross and they make me uncomfortable. Don't ever ask me to hold your baby because I don't know how to hold them and they make me extremely nervous and tense. I always end up holding it at an arm's length away.)

I recently read an article about a woman who was waiting for the ever-elusive "baby lust." She wasn't sure if she wanted children and she couldn't understand why all of her other friends were feeling a pull to have children and she wasn't. One of her friends told her, "If you feel that way, then maybe you shouldn't have children."

I've never understood why society makes it so that women are expected to WANT kids. "Baby Fever" is the most annoying thing ever, and not every woman experiences it. In fact, more and more women are putting children off or skipping them entirely in order to further their careers and enjoy a child-free existence. Not everyone wants to raise children. I mean, I'm certainly glad that I accidentally happened to my parents and that they didn't give me away and stuff, but making a conscience decision to have a child? HELL NO! It annoys me that people think I'm weird for not ever wanting children, and it annoys me even more when they say, "Well, you'll change your mind one day." Okay, so when is that day? Am I just going to magically wake up and go, "Oh man, I changed my mind. I definitely want a baby that will suck up all of my money and time and I will never be able to do anything awesome ever again and all I will ever talk about to everyone else until I'm blue in the face is my child. I totally want something growing inside me and I definitely think that pushing it out of my vag is an awesome idea."

The answer is definitely not. I'm sick of people telling me that I'm still young and that one day I'll want kids. No. The answer is no, and there are a myriad of reasons that I don't have to explain to you annoying cultural sponges. I have absolutely zero maternal instinct toward human children. I'm more maternal toward my goddamn DOG and that's fine with me. I didn't have to give birth to her, she's actually cute as a button, she doesn't talk, and she poops outside and eats whatever I give her. If I want to nurture something, I'm good there. My boyfriend doesn't want children, and we both suffer from health problems that would make it extremely difficult for either of us to be fit parents. Getting pregnant and having a kid could very well kill me, and that's the truth.

But aside from that, it's not just babies that I don't like. It's the little demon monsters from the ninth circle of hell that they tend to turn into after the age of five. If a kid stayed as cute and sweet and three years old as my friend's daughter, then okay, maaaaybe. But the hellion years? Nope. I don't have the energy for it, and I'm barely 23. What makes anyone think that in ten years, I'm going to have any more time or energy for a kid?

I've been piercing ears for a good while now and it's safe to say that I've done quite a few small children. Working with the public and seeing how most parents rear their children just absolutely fucking APPALLS me. So many parents just let their children run around a store and misbehave without scolding them, or they barely and half-heartedly say something like, "No. Stop it." When I was a kid, if I even THOUGHT about acting half as badly as kids these days do in public, I would have gotten a swat on the ass and a stern, "NO! STOP THAT THIS INSTANT!" which would have been enough to shame me into behaving for the rest of the day. And because I knew that's what I would get if I attempted to misbehave, I would avoid doing anything to come to that result, thusly behaving in the bank or the grocery store or wherever my mom took me. My mom is a scary lady (often unintentionally, what with her loud Brooklyn accent and her authoritative presence) and that was enough for me. When I behaved, we had great times together. When I misbehaved, oh hell yes did I get into trouble.

I'm not exactly sure what parents these days are afraid of. Are they afraid of people thinking that they're abusing their child? One day, a couple brought their five-year-old daughter in to get her ears pierced. They told me it was her idea. The kid was super excited, until I got the gun close to her ear and she started panicking. She wanted to sit on her dad's lap, so he obliged. She still wouldn't behave, so the dad asked me, "Is it child abuse if I hold her head still?" The kid ended up throwing a kicking and screaming temper tantrum in the middle of my store, and neither of the parents scolded her or told her to buck up. They ended up not doing it and paid for the earrings anyway, but really? Either hold the damn kid down or GTFO. No, it's not child abuse. Maybe you should just wait until she's sixteen like my mom did before you let her get her ears pierced. I turned out just fine.

Anyway, the parenting lesson from a childless baby-eating monster is this: Smack your damn kid on the mouth and tell him NO. No one wants to hear your kid screaming for candy. And with that, I leave you with this video: