I recently read an article about a woman who was waiting for the ever-elusive "baby lust." She wasn't sure if she wanted children and she couldn't understand why all of her other friends were feeling a pull to have children and she wasn't. One of her friends told her, "If you feel that way, then maybe you shouldn't have children."
I've never understood why society makes it so that women are expected to WANT kids. "Baby Fever" is the most annoying thing ever, and not every woman experiences it. In fact, more and more women are putting children off or skipping them entirely in order to further their careers and enjoy a child-free existence. Not everyone wants to raise children. I mean, I'm certainly glad that I accidentally happened to my parents and that they didn't give me away and stuff, but making a conscience decision to have a child? HELL NO! It annoys me that people think I'm weird for not ever wanting children, and it annoys me even more when they say, "Well, you'll change your mind one day." Okay, so when is that day? Am I just going to magically wake up and go, "Oh man, I changed my mind. I definitely want a baby that will suck up all of my money and time and I will never be able to do anything awesome ever again and all I will ever talk about to everyone else until I'm blue in the face is my child. I totally want something growing inside me and I definitely think that pushing it out of my vag is an awesome idea."
The answer is definitely not. I'm sick of people telling me that I'm still young and that one day I'll want kids. No. The answer is no, and there are a myriad of reasons that I don't have to explain to you annoying cultural sponges. I have absolutely zero maternal instinct toward human children. I'm more maternal toward my goddamn DOG and that's fine with me. I didn't have to give birth to her, she's actually cute as a button, she doesn't talk, and she poops outside and eats whatever I give her. If I want to nurture something, I'm good there. My boyfriend doesn't want children, and we both suffer from health problems that would make it extremely difficult for either of us to be fit parents. Getting pregnant and having a kid could very well kill me, and that's the truth.
But aside from that, it's not just babies that I don't like. It's the little demon monsters from the ninth circle of hell that they tend to turn into after the age of five. If a kid stayed as cute and sweet and three years old as my friend's daughter, then okay, maaaaybe. But the hellion years? Nope. I don't have the energy for it, and I'm barely 23. What makes anyone think that in ten years, I'm going to have any more time or energy for a kid?
I've been piercing ears for a good while now and it's safe to say that I've done quite a few small children. Working with the public and seeing how most parents rear their children just absolutely fucking APPALLS me. So many parents just let their children run around a store and misbehave without scolding them, or they barely and half-heartedly say something like, "No. Stop it." When I was a kid, if I even THOUGHT about acting half as badly as kids these days do in public, I would have gotten a swat on the ass and a stern, "NO! STOP THAT THIS INSTANT!" which would have been enough to shame me into behaving for the rest of the day. And because I knew that's what I would get if I attempted to misbehave, I would avoid doing anything to come to that result, thusly behaving in the bank or the grocery store or wherever my mom took me. My mom is a scary lady (often unintentionally, what with her loud Brooklyn accent and her authoritative presence) and that was enough for me. When I behaved, we had great times together. When I misbehaved, oh hell yes did I get into trouble.
I'm not exactly sure what parents these days are afraid of. Are they afraid of people thinking that they're abusing their child? One day, a couple brought their five-year-old daughter in to get her ears pierced. They told me it was her idea. The kid was super excited, until I got the gun close to her ear and she started panicking. She wanted to sit on her dad's lap, so he obliged. She still wouldn't behave, so the dad asked me, "Is it child abuse if I hold her head still?" The kid ended up throwing a kicking and screaming temper tantrum in the middle of my store, and neither of the parents scolded her or told her to buck up. They ended up not doing it and paid for the earrings anyway, but really? Either hold the damn kid down or GTFO. No, it's not child abuse. Maybe you should just wait until she's sixteen like my mom did before you let her get her ears pierced. I turned out just fine.
Anyway, the parenting lesson from a childless baby-eating monster is this: Smack your damn kid on the mouth and tell him NO. No one wants to hear your kid screaming for candy. And with that, I leave you with this video:
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