Monday, January 31, 2011
Sunday, January 30, 2011
I like hanging out at home.
I don't care if it's weird, but I like being at home by myself, just me and my puppy. She's a better companion than most people, and she's just so gosh-darn cute all the time that I can never stay mad at her, even when she rarely gets mischievious or into stuff. She doesn't talk back, and she doesn't piss me off, and she's always ready to cuddle with me. It's magical. I think all girls should get dogs instead of boyfriends.
There's something comforting and quiet about being alone at home. I really forgot how nice it is to have my own space. I was so wrapped up in being part of a unit, and being part of a team, that I forgot how to be alone or how to be by myself.
I've spent the entire evening just hanging out, reading, writing, watching the fifth season of It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, and thinking about life.
Tomorrow, I'm off all day and I'm hoping to get lunch with one of my closest friends and spend the next few days cleaning some more.
Cleaning is good for your heart.
Love,
Caitlin
There's something comforting and quiet about being alone at home. I really forgot how nice it is to have my own space. I was so wrapped up in being part of a unit, and being part of a team, that I forgot how to be alone or how to be by myself.
I've spent the entire evening just hanging out, reading, writing, watching the fifth season of It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, and thinking about life.
Tomorrow, I'm off all day and I'm hoping to get lunch with one of my closest friends and spend the next few days cleaning some more.
Cleaning is good for your heart.
Love,
Caitlin
Saturday, January 29, 2011
Friday, January 28, 2011
I like clothing.
I'm going to start my semi-daily outfit posts again, especially now that I have a pretty awesome camera and I can take better pictures!
Beginning with the first one, here is my shameful attempt at Lookbook photos...these are shot via mobile phone. Hahaha!
Enjoy.
Beginning with the first one, here is my shameful attempt at Lookbook photos...these are shot via mobile phone. Hahaha!
Enjoy.
Leopard print cardigan (Forever 21), black t-shirt (Truly Madly Deeply), green high-waisted skirt (Urban Outfitters), black tights (Rampage), black boots (Deena and Ozzy)
Wednesday, January 26, 2011
Juno loves her buddies.
Babygirl at Alaina and Paul's. :)
Chuckiebear and Junobear are snuggle buddies!
I like to talk about myself.
I'm sitting at the salon right now putting more blue and purple in my bangs, so I figured that it's time to sit here and do something completely unproductive.
Can you drive?
Yes.
Do you have a car?
Not at this time, no. I mooch off of my parents' three cars.
Do you have a cell phone?
Yes.
Are you online a lot?
Yes.
Do you like gay/bi people?
Someone's sexual orientation has no bearing whatsoever on whether or not I like them as a person. I have many, many gay and bisexual
friends.
Can you speak another language?
I learned Spanish in high school? I can also say a few things in Croatian, but I am by no means fluent in anything else but English.
Do you do well in school?
School's not really my thing. I'm not attending right now, but I will be in the spring or the fall. :)
Do you collect anything?
The souls of dead babies. HAR HAR HAR.
Have an obsession?
My dog. Everyone knows that.
Do you hate yourself?
Sometimes I get on my own damn nerves, but I don't hate myself.
Ever smile for no reason?
Robots aren't programmed to smile for no reason.
Talk to yourself?
Yeah, living alone will do that to you. I also talk to my dog like she's a person.
Do you have any regrets?
Nope.
Believe in magic?
Nope.
Do you support gay marriage?
AbsoFRUITly.
Sex before marriage?
Why marriage?
Do you trust people easily?
No. Especially not after all of the shit that I've been through in the last few years.
Forgive easily?
Yes. Sometimes too easily.
Do you have a secret no one knows?
Yes.
Do you get along with your parents?
Yeah, now that I'm an adult, my mom and I get along great!
What about other people?
Yes.
How do you vent your anger?
I don't even have the energy to feel angry anymore. I'm too old for that now.
Do you like George Bush?
No.
Goal before you die?
Visit both Ireland and Croatia.
Biggest Fear:
Clowns.
Biggest Weakness:
The Internet.
Do you play an instrument?
I used to play an instrument. The clarinet, I think it was called.
What do you want to be when you grow up?
Some kind of writer.
How many people have you kissed in 2010 excluding family?
One.
How did you feel when you woke up today?
Momentarily confused--but I slept for twelve hours, so I woke up and got all caffeinated and then got shit done!
Who was the last person you took a picture of?
Junobear. And yes, she is a person.
How often do you see your ex?
Never.
Have you ever had a best friend who was of the opposite sex?
Yes.
Was yesterday better than today?
My days are starting to run together: Workhomeworkworkworkworkworkworkhome?
Relationship status?
Not for sale.
How long is your hair?
Long.
Where did you buy the shirt you're wearing now?
Probably Gabriel Brothers.
Ever loved someone that wasn't good for you?
Yes.
What are you excited for?
Going to Croatia in May! :D
Have you ever changed your clothes in a vehicle?
Yes. I played volleyball in high school. It was practically a requirement in order to be on the team.
If the person you liked, kissed another girl/guy what would you do?
If we were in an established relationship, I'd be pissed. If not, what can you do? It's not under your control where someone
else's mouth has been.
Have you ever heard of the band, mayday parade?
No.
When was the last time you teared up, but didn't cry?
My particular model does not come with tear ducts.
Do you think anyone is lying to you right now?
No.
Do you stick up for family no matter what?
Absolutely.
Have you seen the last person who texted you naked?
No.
When was the last time, you felt your heart drop into your stomach?
It's been a while, but at the time, it wasn't a good feeling.
Would you honestly say you'd risk your life for someone else?
Yes. For my brothers.
Do you believe in forever?
No, not anymore.
Do you think you can last in a relationship for six months or more?
I have and I probably can again, just not for a while.
Last person to hold your hand?
I don't let people touch my hands.
What was the last thing you drank?
Coffee from Speedway.
Who do you tell ALL your problems too?
My mom.
Ever taken a picture kissing somebody?
Yes.
Do you think making out is slutty?
No.
How often do you give out second chances?
I'm pretty cut-and-dry but I've given out WAY too many second chances the last time around, so, now that I've learned from my
mistakes, NEVER AGAIN.
Would you push someone off a cliff if you had the chance?
I don't really hate anyone that much.
What do you look forward to most in the upcoming months?
Warm weather. Moving out West. Finishing my degree finally.
Are you happy with life?
It's a lot different than it was a few months ago, but I'm coming to terms with being happy on my own again.
Do you like to wear sweatpants?
HELL YES.
Do you miss how things used to be?
I do and I don't. It's weird right now.
Can you drive?
Yes.
Do you have a car?
Not at this time, no. I mooch off of my parents' three cars.
Do you have a cell phone?
Yes.
Are you online a lot?
Yes.
Do you like gay/bi people?
Someone's sexual orientation has no bearing whatsoever on whether or not I like them as a person. I have many, many gay and bisexual
friends.
Can you speak another language?
I learned Spanish in high school? I can also say a few things in Croatian, but I am by no means fluent in anything else but English.
Do you do well in school?
School's not really my thing. I'm not attending right now, but I will be in the spring or the fall. :)
Do you collect anything?
The souls of dead babies. HAR HAR HAR.
Have an obsession?
My dog. Everyone knows that.
Do you hate yourself?
Sometimes I get on my own damn nerves, but I don't hate myself.
Ever smile for no reason?
Robots aren't programmed to smile for no reason.
Talk to yourself?
Yeah, living alone will do that to you. I also talk to my dog like she's a person.
Do you have any regrets?
Nope.
Believe in magic?
Nope.
Do you support gay marriage?
AbsoFRUITly.
Sex before marriage?
Why marriage?
Do you trust people easily?
No. Especially not after all of the shit that I've been through in the last few years.
Forgive easily?
Yes. Sometimes too easily.
Do you have a secret no one knows?
Yes.
Do you get along with your parents?
Yeah, now that I'm an adult, my mom and I get along great!
What about other people?
Yes.
How do you vent your anger?
I don't even have the energy to feel angry anymore. I'm too old for that now.
Do you like George Bush?
No.
Goal before you die?
Visit both Ireland and Croatia.
Biggest Fear:
Clowns.
Biggest Weakness:
The Internet.
Do you play an instrument?
I used to play an instrument. The clarinet, I think it was called.
What do you want to be when you grow up?
Some kind of writer.
How many people have you kissed in 2010 excluding family?
One.
How did you feel when you woke up today?
Momentarily confused--but I slept for twelve hours, so I woke up and got all caffeinated and then got shit done!
Who was the last person you took a picture of?
Junobear. And yes, she is a person.
How often do you see your ex?
Never.
Have you ever had a best friend who was of the opposite sex?
Yes.
Was yesterday better than today?
My days are starting to run together: Workhomeworkworkworkworkworkworkhome?
Relationship status?
Not for sale.
How long is your hair?
Long.
Where did you buy the shirt you're wearing now?
Probably Gabriel Brothers.
Ever loved someone that wasn't good for you?
Yes.
What are you excited for?
Going to Croatia in May! :D
Have you ever changed your clothes in a vehicle?
Yes. I played volleyball in high school. It was practically a requirement in order to be on the team.
If the person you liked, kissed another girl/guy what would you do?
If we were in an established relationship, I'd be pissed. If not, what can you do? It's not under your control where someone
else's mouth has been.
Have you ever heard of the band, mayday parade?
No.
When was the last time you teared up, but didn't cry?
My particular model does not come with tear ducts.
Do you think anyone is lying to you right now?
No.
Do you stick up for family no matter what?
Absolutely.
Have you seen the last person who texted you naked?
No.
When was the last time, you felt your heart drop into your stomach?
It's been a while, but at the time, it wasn't a good feeling.
Would you honestly say you'd risk your life for someone else?
Yes. For my brothers.
Do you believe in forever?
No, not anymore.
Do you think you can last in a relationship for six months or more?
I have and I probably can again, just not for a while.
Last person to hold your hand?
I don't let people touch my hands.
What was the last thing you drank?
Coffee from Speedway.
Who do you tell ALL your problems too?
My mom.
Ever taken a picture kissing somebody?
Yes.
Do you think making out is slutty?
No.
How often do you give out second chances?
I'm pretty cut-and-dry but I've given out WAY too many second chances the last time around, so, now that I've learned from my
mistakes, NEVER AGAIN.
Would you push someone off a cliff if you had the chance?
I don't really hate anyone that much.
What do you look forward to most in the upcoming months?
Warm weather. Moving out West. Finishing my degree finally.
Are you happy with life?
It's a lot different than it was a few months ago, but I'm coming to terms with being happy on my own again.
Do you like to wear sweatpants?
HELL YES.
Do you miss how things used to be?
I do and I don't. It's weird right now.
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
I like my new netbook...continued.
My new netbook cover just came in the mail today! I bought one of the Living Social Amazon gift cards for $5 and got $20 to spend on Amazon, so I bought a cover for my netbook.
Hell yeah!
Monday, January 24, 2011
Sunday, January 23, 2011
Things I need: 2011 Edition.
I haven't made a "Things I Need" post since before Christmas (things have been kinda crazy lately) so here you guys go!
OH MY GOD MATROYSHKA DOLL SHOT GLASSES GREATEST THING EVER
PRETTY ART AND SHIT FOR YOUR WALLS OH MY GOD
THIS WOULD BE TWENTY TIMES BETTER IF SOMEONE WOULD GET BEHIND THE CURTAIN WITH ME AND STAND IN THE CUTOUTS AND THEN TAKE A PICTURE
OH MY GOD MATROYSHKA DOLL SHOT GLASSES GREATEST THING EVER
PRETTY ART AND SHIT FOR YOUR WALLS OH MY GOD
HELL YEAH A MERMAID BOTTLE OPENER FOR ALL OF MY BOTTLES OF WINE FUCK YES
OH MAN PRETTY MUGS WITH PRETTY WOODLAND CRITTERS ON THEM FOR MY MORNING COFFEE GOOD GOD I LOVE THIS
TIME TO FALL IN THE SNOW BITCH
HOLY SHIT IT HAS BIRDS ON IT I DON'T CARE IT'S TOO CUTE
THIS WOULD BE TWENTY TIMES BETTER IF SOMEONE WOULD GET BEHIND THE CURTAIN WITH ME AND STAND IN THE CUTOUTS AND THEN TAKE A PICTURE
HELL YES
Saturday, January 22, 2011
I don't like being sick.
Normally, my genetically superior immune system does not become infiltrated by germs, but every once in a while I get a system overload and a tiny little germ will go skipping in all brazenly and cutely, and start a family in my bloodstream.
This time, it was a cold germ. A stupid, measly little cold germ. It managed to finangle its way into my body and now it won't leave. I think it thinks that it's here for good. For me, more than five seconds of cold symptoms is already way too long. It's only been like three days since I started feeling shitty, but that's already three days too long for me.
The worst part about having a cold is that you're never sick enough to just stay home from work for like, two weeks and not do anything, but you feel crappy enough that all of the crappy things that you already have to do on a regular basis. These things usually suck enough as it is when you aren't sick.
THINGS THAT ALREADY SUCK EVEN WHEN YOU AREN'T SICK:
-Falling asleep
-Breathing
-Eating
-Going to work
-Driving
-Listening to other people talking
-Being around other people
-Going out in the cold
THINGS THAT SUCK EVEN MORE WHEN YOU ARE SICK:
-Falling asleep
-Breathing
-Eating
-Going to work
-Driving
-Listening to other people talking
-Being around other people
-Going out in the cold
-Talking
-Existing
-Pretending to be interested in things that other people are doing
-Getting up off the couch to pee
-Getting up off the couch to take more medicine
-Getting up off the couch to make tea
-Realizing you don't have anymore tea and that it's too cold to go outside and go to the store and buy some more
-Sleeping on your back
-Sleeping on your side
-Eating anything with flavor
-Not being able to drink
-Not being able to turn my head without my ears popping off like Pop Rocks
-Having to take my dog outside every ten minutes so she can pretend like she has to pee or poop but really just wants to frolick in the snow and lick leaves
-Not being able to enjoy my favorite tobacco or caffiene products
-Sneezing every ten seconds
-Putting on makeup and/or doing my hair (no one to impress anyway!)
-Being forced to eat shitty food like soup and toast (and I actually enjoy soup and toast...when I'm NOT sick)
-Doing laundry because you are out of clean underwear
-Showering and ending up with snot everywhere for the next three hours
These are things that I hate when I am sick with a cold.
I forget what I was talking about before this. I blame the Robitussin.
Good night.
Friday, January 21, 2011
I like zombies.
The following essay was written in September of 2008.
In the last twenty-four hours, I have watched both 28 Days Later and 28 Weeks Later. Earlier this week I watched Shaun of the Dead, and next I am planning on viewing the dawn of the dead remake. The oldest and campiest one I can think of would be the Night of the Living Dead, all in black and white. My favorite part is when they show the zombies eating very obviously fake intestines in a very unconvincing manner.
Anyway, it got me thinking about what if there was a zombie attack. This will probably never ACTUALLY happen, but I enjoy hypothetical situations. Basically, my imagination has taken over. What if a virus or something (not anything lame like in I Am Legend) attacked large groups of people and they turned into zombies? Or what if the already dead were awakened somehow and began attacking the living and turning more living people into zombies?
I pretty much think that this would suck beyond all fucking comprehension. I think that the scariest part is the strength in numbers. I cannot imagine being taken over by zombies, and having them surround me for hundreds of feet in all directions. At that point I would probably just give up so I could become one of them and feast on innards, too. And that feeling of waking up to a silent world, entirely alone, and not knowing what had happened or what could happen -- that's really fucking scary.
I could handle a few zombies trying to bust their way into my house, but it would be the worst if I were the only survivor left. Hearing them creep through the dark, or seeing them burst through windows unexpectedly would be the worst. I would probably not be able to fend for myself because I am not that crafty. I guess I could survive for a while by dumb luck, but I would do infinitely better with a couple of other people around...to use later for zombie shields/bait.
REASONS WHY I PROBABLY WOULDN'T SURVIVE OR WOULD DIE FIRST:
- I am tall, so I give off the appearance of being somewhat intimidating, but I am a skinny weak nerd
- I do not yet know how to shoot a gun
- My logical thinking skills suck
- I wouldn't be able to decide where to go or what to do
- Zombies would probably overpower me
- I have bad luck
- I am always in the wrong place at the wrong time
- I am always late
- I am tall, so I give off the appearance of being somewhat intimidating, but I am a skinny weak nerd
- I do not yet know how to shoot a gun
- My logical thinking skills suck
- I wouldn't be able to decide where to go or what to do
- Zombies would probably overpower me
- I have bad luck
- I am always in the wrong place at the wrong time
- I am always late
Love,
Caitlin
Caitlin
Thursday, January 20, 2011
I wouldn't like me, either.
So, yesterday, I got home from work after an incredibly long day working from 8 a.m. to 6 p.m. Do you ever notice how sometimes a 14 hour shift will go a lot faster than an incredibly dull 10 hour shift?
Yeah. That's how today went for me. Anyway, so I got home from work, and I took my dog out and then played with and fed her and then I sat down on the couch, and I was like, you know what?
This is the fucking life, man. I don't have to listen to anyone else being annoying right now. I can be annoying in my own brain and that's okay because I'm used to it. I don't have to put up with anyone else's crap except mine and my dog's. It's a good feeling.
So anyway, I changed into my sweatpants and Alice in Wonderland t-shirt and I sat down on the couch after heating my dinner and queued up an episode of The Office on Netflix. While I'm shoving food in my mouth, I started thinking about how whatever guy thinks that every single goddamn thing I do is the cutest thing ever is a total sap, because it's definitely not cute when I shove food in my face. In fact, the only thing less cute than that is a pack of rabid wolves devouring a gazelle, or that scene in Alien where the alien bursts out of the guy's stomach.
At any rate, I debated this for a good portion of my evening and decided to write this list:
Reasons why no guy should ever want to date me:
1. I like junk food. Fuck yeah I like junk food. I'll fucking eat the shit out of almost any kind of potato chip, pretzel, snack food, etc. I eat like a thirteen-year-old boy and it ain't pretty.
2. Speaking of thirteen-year-old boys, I wear sweatpants at home and I also wear my old high school t-shirts. I graduated five years ago. I don't care.
3. I have a really, really loud laugh. An embarrassingly loud laugh. I also don't care about this.
4. I will tell you right away when you're being a dickhead or a bitch. You won't like it. No guy likes being told by his tiny, petite girlfriend that he's a bitch. I super do not care about that.
5. I'm not mean, but it takes me a while to warm up to people sometimes. Also, I always make fun of everyone. This is a fact. If you have trouble making fun of yourself, we can never be friends.
6. I don't like touching.
7. I like being able to come home and put on the music that I want to listen to without being one-upped or explained every detail of every nuance of every note.
8. I don't like to drink that much. I'm not going out to the bar every night. Maybe every other night, but not every night.
9. I hate holding hands. DO NOT touch my hands. Ever.
10. I eat pizza like four days a week. I also don't exercise. I drink coffee like it's water from the Fountain of Youth. I can still fit into size two jeans, and I have no ass.
11. I love my dog more than anything else. Anybody that I date from now on will just have to be secondary to my dog.
12. I live at work. I barely get any time off on a regular basis. I'm always working and I'm always busy and when I'm not busy I'm at home with my dog because she is more important to me than going out every single night.
13. I suck at using my phone. I cannot respond to texts when I am working, and I do not answer the phone unless I feel like it. Do not take offense to this, but I really hate talking on the phone. I do text more often than I call, but I absolutely cannot stand phone conversations.
14. I hate kids. I hate them. I especially hate babies. I don't care what anyone else thinks or has to say about the magic of a child. If a guy in his twenties thinks to himself, "Man, I want kids one day!" then he is an idiot. Kids are the worst thing ever and they ruin lives. I know I was a kid once, long ago, but that doesn't mean I need to perpetuate the trend. The trend stops with me. Now. Also, I can't actually have kids. So, don't ever try to have them with me.
15. I need my space. Last time, I ended up seeing that person like, every single damn day and it just got to the both of us after a while, I think. You're really stupid if you want to spend every single second with me or if you don't think you'll get sick of me. Trust me, you'll get sick of me. It might take a while, or not very long at all, but either way, one day, you'll look at me and go, "Man, I just want to smush her little face in." And don't worry, while you're thinking that, I'm thinking, "God, I just want to bash his skull in and eat his brains for breakfast tomorrow." So we'll be even. I'm a writer and at heart, I'm a solitary person. I enjoy being by myself, and when I'm in a relationship with someone again, they will need to understand that I need to be alone. That includes calling, texting, Skyping, chatting online, etc., etc. Just go away, dude. When I need your services, I will find you.
Yeah. That's how today went for me. Anyway, so I got home from work, and I took my dog out and then played with and fed her and then I sat down on the couch, and I was like, you know what?
This is the fucking life, man. I don't have to listen to anyone else being annoying right now. I can be annoying in my own brain and that's okay because I'm used to it. I don't have to put up with anyone else's crap except mine and my dog's. It's a good feeling.
So anyway, I changed into my sweatpants and Alice in Wonderland t-shirt and I sat down on the couch after heating my dinner and queued up an episode of The Office on Netflix. While I'm shoving food in my mouth, I started thinking about how whatever guy thinks that every single goddamn thing I do is the cutest thing ever is a total sap, because it's definitely not cute when I shove food in my face. In fact, the only thing less cute than that is a pack of rabid wolves devouring a gazelle, or that scene in Alien where the alien bursts out of the guy's stomach.
At any rate, I debated this for a good portion of my evening and decided to write this list:
Reasons why no guy should ever want to date me:
1. I like junk food. Fuck yeah I like junk food. I'll fucking eat the shit out of almost any kind of potato chip, pretzel, snack food, etc. I eat like a thirteen-year-old boy and it ain't pretty.
2. Speaking of thirteen-year-old boys, I wear sweatpants at home and I also wear my old high school t-shirts. I graduated five years ago. I don't care.
3. I have a really, really loud laugh. An embarrassingly loud laugh. I also don't care about this.
4. I will tell you right away when you're being a dickhead or a bitch. You won't like it. No guy likes being told by his tiny, petite girlfriend that he's a bitch. I super do not care about that.
5. I'm not mean, but it takes me a while to warm up to people sometimes. Also, I always make fun of everyone. This is a fact. If you have trouble making fun of yourself, we can never be friends.
6. I don't like touching.
7. I like being able to come home and put on the music that I want to listen to without being one-upped or explained every detail of every nuance of every note.
8. I don't like to drink that much. I'm not going out to the bar every night. Maybe every other night, but not every night.
9. I hate holding hands. DO NOT touch my hands. Ever.
10. I eat pizza like four days a week. I also don't exercise. I drink coffee like it's water from the Fountain of Youth. I can still fit into size two jeans, and I have no ass.
11. I love my dog more than anything else. Anybody that I date from now on will just have to be secondary to my dog.
12. I live at work. I barely get any time off on a regular basis. I'm always working and I'm always busy and when I'm not busy I'm at home with my dog because she is more important to me than going out every single night.
13. I suck at using my phone. I cannot respond to texts when I am working, and I do not answer the phone unless I feel like it. Do not take offense to this, but I really hate talking on the phone. I do text more often than I call, but I absolutely cannot stand phone conversations.
14. I hate kids. I hate them. I especially hate babies. I don't care what anyone else thinks or has to say about the magic of a child. If a guy in his twenties thinks to himself, "Man, I want kids one day!" then he is an idiot. Kids are the worst thing ever and they ruin lives. I know I was a kid once, long ago, but that doesn't mean I need to perpetuate the trend. The trend stops with me. Now. Also, I can't actually have kids. So, don't ever try to have them with me.
15. I need my space. Last time, I ended up seeing that person like, every single damn day and it just got to the both of us after a while, I think. You're really stupid if you want to spend every single second with me or if you don't think you'll get sick of me. Trust me, you'll get sick of me. It might take a while, or not very long at all, but either way, one day, you'll look at me and go, "Man, I just want to smush her little face in." And don't worry, while you're thinking that, I'm thinking, "God, I just want to bash his skull in and eat his brains for breakfast tomorrow." So we'll be even. I'm a writer and at heart, I'm a solitary person. I enjoy being by myself, and when I'm in a relationship with someone again, they will need to understand that I need to be alone. That includes calling, texting, Skyping, chatting online, etc., etc. Just go away, dude. When I need your services, I will find you.
Tuesday, January 18, 2011
Monday, January 17, 2011
I don't like birds.
I recently found a treasure trove of some of my old essays and pieces so I'm cherry-picking the good ones and re-posting them. This essay is from two years ago, when my mom and my brother visited Savannah for a week and I got back and wrote this about how much I hate birds. (I hate them.)
My recent trip to the beach last week triggered my fear of birds. AGAIN. When we were leaving and we got back into the car, a billion blackbirds flocked to the fence posts in the parking lot and simultaneously began squawking and flapping their wings at me. They were so close that I could see their frantic little glassy eyes zeroing in on me and one of them flew near my head, so I screamed and covered my face with my hands while trying to dive into the front seat of the car. I then slammed the door and sat there, trembling, for a good five minutes while more birds sauntered over and began pecking at the ground in front of the car. One of them was especially huge and had purple streaks in its wings like some disgusting, gigantic, cartoon caricature of a blackbird. I am shuddering and gagging just thinking about it.
BIRDS ARE EVERYWHERE. Birds are seriously the grossest things ever. For the past few days, there has been something creepy and disgusting on my bathroom floor that looks like it might have come from a bird or something, but I am not sure. it might just be dryer lint or a dead spider. It was not there when I left for Georgia, but I have been scared to go near it or touch it or even sweep it up because I cannot go near anything that looks like a bird.
WHY BIRDS SUCK:
- the disgusting flapping sound their wings make
- they have beady little eyes
- they are jittery and constantly flitting around
- their heads swivel
- their beaks are always jabbing or pecking
- they cheep at me
- they fly around and shit everywhere
- when they walk, their heads bob back & forth
- they have weird feet and talons
- they always fly at my face or windshield
- they sit in the trees near my window early in the morning and cheep some more
- they hover in the air
At least cats stay put on the ground where they belong and can't really go anywhere near your face unless they jump at you from a staircase (which has happened to me before). And dogs are the best. Dogs don't do unpredictable, scary things like fly at your face at a hundred miles an hour, screeching. I think that animals can tell when you don't like them, and birds and cats definitely do not like me. Luckily, most cats run away from me really fast when they see me, but birds are shitty and evil and narrow their eyes at me and then they suddenly take a dive at me. I hate how they have complete and total freedom to fly off of the ground and fly at your face or general torso vicinity.
I'm not sure if my fear of birds is rooted in my childhood or not. I have always just been scared of them. My mom loves Alfred Hitchcock movies and watched a lot of them when I was growing up, so it is possible that I may have inadvertantly watched The Birds as a child. I'm not sure, though, because I haven't seen that movie in years, mostly because I am really fucking scared of birds.
Love,
Caitlin
EDIT: Potential bird risis averted. My boyfriend picked the gross thing up off of my bathroom floor earlier. It turns out that it was really a gum wrapper stuck to a feather and some lint. I still hate birds.
My recent trip to the beach last week triggered my fear of birds. AGAIN. When we were leaving and we got back into the car, a billion blackbirds flocked to the fence posts in the parking lot and simultaneously began squawking and flapping their wings at me. They were so close that I could see their frantic little glassy eyes zeroing in on me and one of them flew near my head, so I screamed and covered my face with my hands while trying to dive into the front seat of the car. I then slammed the door and sat there, trembling, for a good five minutes while more birds sauntered over and began pecking at the ground in front of the car. One of them was especially huge and had purple streaks in its wings like some disgusting, gigantic, cartoon caricature of a blackbird. I am shuddering and gagging just thinking about it.
BIRDS ARE EVERYWHERE. Birds are seriously the grossest things ever. For the past few days, there has been something creepy and disgusting on my bathroom floor that looks like it might have come from a bird or something, but I am not sure. it might just be dryer lint or a dead spider. It was not there when I left for Georgia, but I have been scared to go near it or touch it or even sweep it up because I cannot go near anything that looks like a bird.
WHY BIRDS SUCK:
- the disgusting flapping sound their wings make
- they have beady little eyes
- they are jittery and constantly flitting around
- their heads swivel
- their beaks are always jabbing or pecking
- they cheep at me
- they fly around and shit everywhere
- when they walk, their heads bob back & forth
- they have weird feet and talons
- they always fly at my face or windshield
- they sit in the trees near my window early in the morning and cheep some more
- they hover in the air
At least cats stay put on the ground where they belong and can't really go anywhere near your face unless they jump at you from a staircase (which has happened to me before). And dogs are the best. Dogs don't do unpredictable, scary things like fly at your face at a hundred miles an hour, screeching. I think that animals can tell when you don't like them, and birds and cats definitely do not like me. Luckily, most cats run away from me really fast when they see me, but birds are shitty and evil and narrow their eyes at me and then they suddenly take a dive at me. I hate how they have complete and total freedom to fly off of the ground and fly at your face or general torso vicinity.
I'm not sure if my fear of birds is rooted in my childhood or not. I have always just been scared of them. My mom loves Alfred Hitchcock movies and watched a lot of them when I was growing up, so it is possible that I may have inadvertantly watched The Birds as a child. I'm not sure, though, because I haven't seen that movie in years, mostly because I am really fucking scared of birds.
Love,
Caitlin
EDIT: Potential bird risis averted. My boyfriend picked the gross thing up off of my bathroom floor earlier. It turns out that it was really a gum wrapper stuck to a feather and some lint. I still hate birds.
Friday, January 14, 2011
I like my dog.
I know that I totally don't post about my dog enough (right, you guys), so here's another post about her.
Let me just say this: I fucking LOVE her.
She's the biggest sweetheart in the world, and she is my best friend. And if it weren't for some friends of mine, I wouldn't have her in my life. I owe it all to them for reaching out and caring for another living creature that just wanted to be loved. They didn't have to do it, and they did. And now Juno is my family. She has completely changed my life and she makes every day so much better. Even the shittiest days are twenty times better when I see her goofy wiggly little butt running up to me and when she snuggles in on my lap with a little sigh.
Today, she finally got to go play with them, and their dogs, Chuck and Sugar. Seeing her running around the yard with Chuck with this look of total bliss on her face made me tear up a little. They were totally two peas in a pod. She was so goddamn happy and seeing her so happy just gave me this huge sense of relief, like I'm finally doing something right. This little girl is just so dependent on me and loves me so much and I'm actually doing this right! I'm not screwing it up! I'm a good mom! When she saw them again, she remembered right away and it was such an amazing thing. It was like no time had passed at all. She even went looking for her old food dish and snuggled in her old blanket. I'm so happy right now thinking about it that I'm starting to tear up and that's a really embarrassing thing for me to admit on the Internet. Now she's sitting next to me on the couch, totally tuckered out and sleeping peacefully.
Today was a really good day.
Let me just say this: I fucking LOVE her.
She's the biggest sweetheart in the world, and she is my best friend. And if it weren't for some friends of mine, I wouldn't have her in my life. I owe it all to them for reaching out and caring for another living creature that just wanted to be loved. They didn't have to do it, and they did. And now Juno is my family. She has completely changed my life and she makes every day so much better. Even the shittiest days are twenty times better when I see her goofy wiggly little butt running up to me and when she snuggles in on my lap with a little sigh.
Today, she finally got to go play with them, and their dogs, Chuck and Sugar. Seeing her running around the yard with Chuck with this look of total bliss on her face made me tear up a little. They were totally two peas in a pod. She was so goddamn happy and seeing her so happy just gave me this huge sense of relief, like I'm finally doing something right. This little girl is just so dependent on me and loves me so much and I'm actually doing this right! I'm not screwing it up! I'm a good mom! When she saw them again, she remembered right away and it was such an amazing thing. It was like no time had passed at all. She even went looking for her old food dish and snuggled in her old blanket. I'm so happy right now thinking about it that I'm starting to tear up and that's a really embarrassing thing for me to admit on the Internet. Now she's sitting next to me on the couch, totally tuckered out and sleeping peacefully.
Today was a really good day.
Thursday, January 13, 2011
I like my new guy.
Before anyone gets all excited, no, I do not have a new boyfriend and I do not intend on having one of those for a long, LONG time.
I'm talking about my new computer!
I'm talking about my new computer!
A word of warning: This blog will not be very well written, eloquent, or funny. I’m not even really trying my best, I’m just typing in sort of a stream of consciousness (or “pizza unconsciousness,” rather).
On a whim earlier tonight, and as a Christmas present to myself, I just bought a new HP Mini. It’s purple and it’s really cute. That’s obviously the MOST important part. I was just shopping around Best Buy and I took a look at an Asus Eee, but I didn’t like its screen. I was about to leave, and then this really nice girl who worked there comes up to me and is all, “Oh I have this new HP Mini that we just got in that you might like, and it’s like $20 cheaper than the one you’re looking at right now.” I have always had good experiences with HP laptops (mine lasted me six years until a hard-drive failure took it down, and that was even three years after I spilled green tea on it). So she went and got it for me, and it was love from then on. It has a great little keyboard with nice big buttons for my giant man hands and a nice screen. It’s definitely worth the price ($340 total) and it hasn’t crashed or fallen apart just yet. I’m amazed at what this little guy can do. It’s the perfect size, and I can take it pretty much anywhere I want.
The only problem is getting Internet set up. I have mobile web on my phone through Cincinnati Bell, and for a long time, I set up a modem through my phone service for it. However, I stupidly forgot that netbooks do not come with disc drives, so I am currently waiting on my ancient seven-year-old Toshiba hand-me-down to download my phone software onto a flash drive so I can load it on here and get the Internet going. Yay for tethering! And yay for being cheap! I am going to get Time Warner again here shortly so that I can actually USE my Netflix account. I started my free trial last month and then all of this bullsheeeit happened so I had to move AGAIN, and now I don’t have Internet access…well, on a consistent basis, anyway. It was pretty shitty. I get pretty cranky when I can’t enjoy my free trial of something because someone else is totally being an asshole. Thanks, you guys! I hope you’re happy that my free trial was totally wasted because of your shenanigans!
Anyway, this little guy is my Christmas present to myself. It’s nice to finally have money for stuff, I guess. I’m paying my phone bill tomorrow, and then I’m just going to hoard my money for the next two weeks until I get paid. It’s been great mooching off my mom and dad (thanks, you guys!) for food and stuff. I’ve been so used to having only like, $35 in my checking account most of the time that even just having a few hundred bucks in there now makes me feel rich. So aside from spending money on my new computer (which I feel was a good call) I haven’t really spent much money and I’ll be able to slowly start saving to move away. I’m hoping to save a bunch of money all winter and then take classes again either in the spring or the summer. This break from school has been wonderful so far, and it’s been nice to only have to worry about going to work. I can go out on a weeknight, I can come home and relax or do whatever I want without having to worry about homework. It’s a great feeling. I just can’t get too used to it. After a few more months, I’ll be ready to focus and to take a class again. I’m just not ready for it right now, especially with all of the shitty drama that’s happened in the last few weeks.
Anyway, not to go on a diatribe right now about how shitty/awesome my life is, but things are slowly looking up. I’ve got some really awesome friends and I’m making some new really good ones. I’m thankful to be me. I’m relatively attractive, I have a good job, a great family, and a great dog. I have a place to live and food to eat and things to do. I’ve been spending a lot of time writing lately, and it’s really helped me open my own mind up to the real possibilities of the world. I’m only 22, and I have my whole life ahead of me. It’s a great feeling, to know that I’ve got stuff to do and time to do it. I can really enjoy each day. I haven’t been sitting at home moping all the time, I’ve been out and about and living my life. I didn’t think it would be so easy.
I need to focus on myself, on saving money, eating better, and just living and breathing for a good while. It feels good to be able to breathe and to be able to see everything very poignantly and clearly. I don’t feel lost anymore. I feel focused and ready for the next thing. And as one of my good friends pointed out, things will come up months from now that will bring me back to square one for a while and I’ll have to get over it all over again, and that’s when my resolve matters the most.s
My plan is to save up my money and head out West before the fall. I can’t decide where—California, maybe, or New Mexico or something. I just need to get out of here and see the opposite end of the country. I need open space right now. I need to get out of here and clear my head. Just me and my dog. That’s how all the great stories start out, right?
Tuesday, January 11, 2011
As a newly single woman, I have to re-post this.
CAITLIN’S DEAL BREAKERS: A GUIDE TO WINNING THE HEART OF AN ANXIETY-RIDDEN 22-YEAR-OLD WOMAN WITH NO MONETARY ASSETS (BUT AN ENDLESS SUPPLY OF WITTY AND CHARMING REMARKS):
1. You don’t have a driver’s license. No, it does not make you look apathetic and cool when you are 22 and you still don’t have your license. It makes you look like you still live in your mom’s basement and your mom still drives you to your job at the gas station. I don’t even care if you have a car or not (I’m not one to talk, since i no longer have one, either), but goddamn it, you better have a little laminated card with your ugly mug printed on it.
2. You like tomatoes. I have learned the hard way that I will never be able to date someone who eats tomatoes. Tomatoes are the worst thing to ever grace anyone’s palate. Since much of a relationship is often revolved around food (going out to dinner, cooking, etc.), a similar taste in food is preferred. And I am not the type of person who freaks out if my spinach is touching my couscous. I am, however, the type of person who will freak out if you try to kiss me after biting apple-style into a tomato, or even just ordering them on your sandwich, because you “see nothing wrong with them.” Fuck you and your tomato breath.
3. You would rather go hiking than sit inside and watch a movie. Every. Single. Night. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I love the outdoors and nature as much as anyone possibly can. but some days, you know, I just wanna fucking sit down and chill. I’m a movie geek, I love sunny days but hate getting sun (I prefer to look at it from the window), and I wear cardigans in the summer. I'm not going on a hike with you unless it’s, a) up the road to get ice cream, or b) to Yellow Springs, where I can people-watch among all of the hippies and possibly eat some acid.
4. You have an Australian accent. I had a bad experience with an “Ozzie” once, and since I’ve been watching Flight of the Conchords, my dislike for Australian accents has grown even deeper. The only acceptable sexy accent: Irish. And, okay, Jemaine Clement’s New Zealand twang ain’t so bad, either. I guess I just like the whole monotone, dry humor thing. Being born and bred in the Miidwest has one good thing going for it, I guess.
5. You wear Crocs. So, we’re talking on the phone, and we’re supposed to go out to dinner with my parents. I say, “Hey, wear something nice. Like that blue polo shirt you have, and maybe some nice jeans, nothing fancy.” You agree. and then you show up at my front door wearing the aforementioned jeans and shirt. So far, so good. I then glance toward your feet, and I freeze in sheer terror: a hideous pair of Crocs. You seemed like a normal enough guy, and you’ve always worn tennis shoes up until today. But the minute I say, “Let’s get dinner with my parents” you all of a sudden decide that the lowliest form of footwear in existence is perfectly fine. I realize that this has been a test, and your ruse will not fool me. I take one look at you and close the door in your face (evil spirits have to be invited in, of course) and then I go close all of the blinds. I then draw a bath and sit in the tub with my clothes on, rocking in silence while I mentally weep for the human race. The only acceptable footwear for men are sneakers, and occasionally dress shoes.
6. You like really bad Japanese anime. If this is the case, I will know pretty much right away. I went to art school for four years. I can smell you right away, even before you say something like, “Gotta catch ‘em all!” after trying to grab my boobs.
7. You don’t “get” Radiohead, and/or you think David Bowie is ”gay.” Radiohead is my favorite band of all time, and David Bowie is DAVID FUCKING BOWIE. If you don’t like Radiohead, we can’t even be in the same city.
8. You have bad taste in movies. I am a movie snob. I shall say this here and now. I have seen almost every WORTHWHILE movie ever created (plus a few cinematic disasters here and there). I have discovered that VERY few people on this earth actually have good taste in movies. If we go see a movie and I look over and you are laughing unironically during a preview for a Brendan Frasier movie, I will get up and leave, even if we are about to watch Iron Man 2. Do you hear me? You are over there laughing as though it’s actually FUNNY to see Brendan Frasier getting beat up by animal puppets. This is enough for me to get up and walk away from Robert Downey, Jr. ROBERT FUCKING DOWNEY FUCKING JUNIOR. That’s it. I will calmly stand up and exit the theater, but not before I shove a handful of popcorn down your gaping maw. If we can’t have intelligent, awesome conversations about how violently good Inglourious Basterds is, or we can’t sit down for a good old-fashioned Sam Raimi horror movie night featuring some nice, cold Guinness, Bruce Campbell and the Evil Dead, then get the fuck out of my face and take your Along Came Polly DVD with you.
9. You don’t like to read. I have had many a seemingly fun, interesting conversation with many a seemingly fun, interesting guy. On top of being a movie nerd, I’m an avid reader. I always have been and I always will be. And so, the conversation inevitably turns to books and movies. You profess a taste for Wes Anderson and Stanley Kubrick flicks and you really like The Office. And then I say, “Have you ever read One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest?” You look at me blankly. “You know, the Ken Kesey novel that the film is based off of,” I say. You shake you head. “Really? The book is so much more descriptive. I mean, the movie is awesome and all, mostly because of Jack Nicholson and the woman who plays Nurse Ratched, but there are so many plot elements from the book that I think would have really added to the movie,” I say. And then you say, “Oh. I don’t really like to read that much.” WHAT. THE. FUCK. Are you even human?
10. You don’t practice good oral hygiene. Smelling like you just hosed off a whole keg of beer 24/7 is not, contrary to popular belief, a good way to attract female pheromones. Or even a good way to attract a female conversationalist.
11. You don’t think South Park is funny. You’re such a Jew.
12. You’re super Christian and you make sure that everyone knows it. I’m an aetheist, but I’m all for freedom of religion and all that shit. I think that everyone should have a right to express themselves…but in a QUIET manner. Good for you, you found Jesus after your stint in jail after you “unknowingly” slept with a 15-year-old girl. but you don’t have to ask me to go to church with you every week. It’s like a soccer mom sticking to her diet: NEVER GONNA FUCKING HAPPEN. Although, if you go to one of those churches where everyone writhes around on the floor speaking in tongues, I may go with you, just once. I've always wanted to witness that shit first hand. Anyway, I won’t tell you you’re an idiot for believing in God if you don’t tell me I’m an idiot and I’m going to hell for not believing in God. I haven’t been to church in ten years, I spend my Sunday mornings sleeping in and eating pancakes, and I guarantee you I’m happier than almost anyone who gets up at 7 a.m. to go to church. But I won’t tell you that.
13. You are healthier than me. Good for you, you like to drink protein shakes six times a day and you get up at five a.m. EVERY SINGLE DAY to swim six hundred laps. Excuse me while I go back to bed until noon and then start my Dexter marathon and order a pizza.
14. Which brings me to: You get up early every goddamn day of the week, even when you don’t have to. I’m a deep sleeper and I can sleep through everything. When my ex-boyfriend was working early mornings for a merchandising company, he would quietly get ready for work and then kiss me goodbye. I am not totally averse to getting up early—I will get up early if I have to for work and whatnot. However, I do love sleep. I can sleep like 12 hours straight without a problem (thanks, fibromyalgia!). The only downside is that no matter how much or how little sleep I get, I’m always really fatigued. So if I’m going to sleep in, I’m going to fucking sleep the fuck in. Which means I will not be rising earlier than noon. Any day that I get a chance to sleep in means that my day will not start until noon or later. I relish these days. I love being up at night and in the afternoon. I hate mornings. mornings set my teeth on edge. Mornings—for people like me—are the reason that the coffee bean industry will always be hopping. I'm like a teenage boy. i’m your stereotypical, caffeine and tramadol-addled obsessive compulsive, ready to greet you with a smile each day. But not before 12 p.m., so fuck off.
15. You don’t wear boxers. Wearing tightey whiteys as an adult says, “My mom breastfed me until i was five.”
16. You think that giving me flowers is romantic. f you haven’t gotten it by now, I'm not your typical girl. Flowers actually creep me out. When I was a kid, I was more scared of the fake flowers on a teddy bear that my grandma gave me than I was of our trashy next door neighbors, whose son was a “knight” in the Renaissance Festival every year and practiced out in the yard in his full Medieval regalia. In fact, I thought that was pretty fucking cool. I just really hate flowers. Seeing their little petals cheerfully poking out of the ground every spring just really pisses me off.
17. You expect me to cook and be a good little housewife. If it doesn’t come with microwave instructions, you’re shit out of luck. I’m pretty good at cleaning—fastidious, in fact, due to my obsessive compulsiveness—but the same problem steers me away from the joy of cooking. I’m always afraid I won’t get it right, so I don’t even try. If I’m making dinner, it’s going to be off-brand cereal and toast. Get used to it.
18. You don’t like girls who have tattoos. If that’s the case, then you can just walk right on by. I have four tattoos (two of which are readily visible, on my forearm, and two on my back). Two of them are fairly large. I have a peacock feather on my inner left arm that takes up 3/4 of my arm, as well as the Gaelic word “Scealai” on my inner left wrist. On my right shoulder, I have the quote, “for life’s not a paragraph and death i think is no parenthesis” from the e.e. cummings poem, “Since feeling is first.” And on my back I have a large piece which features a set of Libra scales with a human skull and a human heart in each scale. All of these pieces are personal works of art that mean a lot to me, more than you’ll ever know. No, I did not just drunkenly pick flash pieces off the tattoo shop wall. And I don’t have to explain them to you, unless you politely inquire. However, if you’re just going to sit there and say that girls with tattoos are trashy without being informed about them, then you can kindly tattoo a dick on your forehead. Tattoos can say a lot about a person, and that would say everything for you!
19. You use pet names. If you utter the words, “babe, hon, sweetie, mami, doll” etc., in my vicinity, you will get drop-kicked in the testicles, babycakes.
20. You are shorter than me. I'm 5'8, almost 5'9. If I can’t comfortably rest my head on your shoulder, it’s a no go. I don’t like to admit it, but I like when you can do that sexy tilt my chin up to kiss me thing. I’m almost 5’9, and the height requirement is 6 ft or higher.
1. You don’t have a driver’s license. No, it does not make you look apathetic and cool when you are 22 and you still don’t have your license. It makes you look like you still live in your mom’s basement and your mom still drives you to your job at the gas station. I don’t even care if you have a car or not (I’m not one to talk, since i no longer have one, either), but goddamn it, you better have a little laminated card with your ugly mug printed on it.
2. You like tomatoes. I have learned the hard way that I will never be able to date someone who eats tomatoes. Tomatoes are the worst thing to ever grace anyone’s palate. Since much of a relationship is often revolved around food (going out to dinner, cooking, etc.), a similar taste in food is preferred. And I am not the type of person who freaks out if my spinach is touching my couscous. I am, however, the type of person who will freak out if you try to kiss me after biting apple-style into a tomato, or even just ordering them on your sandwich, because you “see nothing wrong with them.” Fuck you and your tomato breath.
3. You would rather go hiking than sit inside and watch a movie. Every. Single. Night. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I love the outdoors and nature as much as anyone possibly can. but some days, you know, I just wanna fucking sit down and chill. I’m a movie geek, I love sunny days but hate getting sun (I prefer to look at it from the window), and I wear cardigans in the summer. I'm not going on a hike with you unless it’s, a) up the road to get ice cream, or b) to Yellow Springs, where I can people-watch among all of the hippies and possibly eat some acid.
4. You have an Australian accent. I had a bad experience with an “Ozzie” once, and since I’ve been watching Flight of the Conchords, my dislike for Australian accents has grown even deeper. The only acceptable sexy accent: Irish. And, okay, Jemaine Clement’s New Zealand twang ain’t so bad, either. I guess I just like the whole monotone, dry humor thing. Being born and bred in the Miidwest has one good thing going for it, I guess.
5. You wear Crocs. So, we’re talking on the phone, and we’re supposed to go out to dinner with my parents. I say, “Hey, wear something nice. Like that blue polo shirt you have, and maybe some nice jeans, nothing fancy.” You agree. and then you show up at my front door wearing the aforementioned jeans and shirt. So far, so good. I then glance toward your feet, and I freeze in sheer terror: a hideous pair of Crocs. You seemed like a normal enough guy, and you’ve always worn tennis shoes up until today. But the minute I say, “Let’s get dinner with my parents” you all of a sudden decide that the lowliest form of footwear in existence is perfectly fine. I realize that this has been a test, and your ruse will not fool me. I take one look at you and close the door in your face (evil spirits have to be invited in, of course) and then I go close all of the blinds. I then draw a bath and sit in the tub with my clothes on, rocking in silence while I mentally weep for the human race. The only acceptable footwear for men are sneakers, and occasionally dress shoes.
6. You like really bad Japanese anime. If this is the case, I will know pretty much right away. I went to art school for four years. I can smell you right away, even before you say something like, “Gotta catch ‘em all!” after trying to grab my boobs.
7. You don’t “get” Radiohead, and/or you think David Bowie is ”gay.” Radiohead is my favorite band of all time, and David Bowie is DAVID FUCKING BOWIE. If you don’t like Radiohead, we can’t even be in the same city.
8. You have bad taste in movies. I am a movie snob. I shall say this here and now. I have seen almost every WORTHWHILE movie ever created (plus a few cinematic disasters here and there). I have discovered that VERY few people on this earth actually have good taste in movies. If we go see a movie and I look over and you are laughing unironically during a preview for a Brendan Frasier movie, I will get up and leave, even if we are about to watch Iron Man 2. Do you hear me? You are over there laughing as though it’s actually FUNNY to see Brendan Frasier getting beat up by animal puppets. This is enough for me to get up and walk away from Robert Downey, Jr. ROBERT FUCKING DOWNEY FUCKING JUNIOR. That’s it. I will calmly stand up and exit the theater, but not before I shove a handful of popcorn down your gaping maw. If we can’t have intelligent, awesome conversations about how violently good Inglourious Basterds is, or we can’t sit down for a good old-fashioned Sam Raimi horror movie night featuring some nice, cold Guinness, Bruce Campbell and the Evil Dead, then get the fuck out of my face and take your Along Came Polly DVD with you.
9. You don’t like to read. I have had many a seemingly fun, interesting conversation with many a seemingly fun, interesting guy. On top of being a movie nerd, I’m an avid reader. I always have been and I always will be. And so, the conversation inevitably turns to books and movies. You profess a taste for Wes Anderson and Stanley Kubrick flicks and you really like The Office. And then I say, “Have you ever read One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest?” You look at me blankly. “You know, the Ken Kesey novel that the film is based off of,” I say. You shake you head. “Really? The book is so much more descriptive. I mean, the movie is awesome and all, mostly because of Jack Nicholson and the woman who plays Nurse Ratched, but there are so many plot elements from the book that I think would have really added to the movie,” I say. And then you say, “Oh. I don’t really like to read that much.” WHAT. THE. FUCK. Are you even human?
10. You don’t practice good oral hygiene. Smelling like you just hosed off a whole keg of beer 24/7 is not, contrary to popular belief, a good way to attract female pheromones. Or even a good way to attract a female conversationalist.
11. You don’t think South Park is funny. You’re such a Jew.
12. You’re super Christian and you make sure that everyone knows it. I’m an aetheist, but I’m all for freedom of religion and all that shit. I think that everyone should have a right to express themselves…but in a QUIET manner. Good for you, you found Jesus after your stint in jail after you “unknowingly” slept with a 15-year-old girl. but you don’t have to ask me to go to church with you every week. It’s like a soccer mom sticking to her diet: NEVER GONNA FUCKING HAPPEN. Although, if you go to one of those churches where everyone writhes around on the floor speaking in tongues, I may go with you, just once. I've always wanted to witness that shit first hand. Anyway, I won’t tell you you’re an idiot for believing in God if you don’t tell me I’m an idiot and I’m going to hell for not believing in God. I haven’t been to church in ten years, I spend my Sunday mornings sleeping in and eating pancakes, and I guarantee you I’m happier than almost anyone who gets up at 7 a.m. to go to church. But I won’t tell you that.
13. You are healthier than me. Good for you, you like to drink protein shakes six times a day and you get up at five a.m. EVERY SINGLE DAY to swim six hundred laps. Excuse me while I go back to bed until noon and then start my Dexter marathon and order a pizza.
14. Which brings me to: You get up early every goddamn day of the week, even when you don’t have to. I’m a deep sleeper and I can sleep through everything. When my ex-boyfriend was working early mornings for a merchandising company, he would quietly get ready for work and then kiss me goodbye. I am not totally averse to getting up early—I will get up early if I have to for work and whatnot. However, I do love sleep. I can sleep like 12 hours straight without a problem (thanks, fibromyalgia!). The only downside is that no matter how much or how little sleep I get, I’m always really fatigued. So if I’m going to sleep in, I’m going to fucking sleep the fuck in. Which means I will not be rising earlier than noon. Any day that I get a chance to sleep in means that my day will not start until noon or later. I relish these days. I love being up at night and in the afternoon. I hate mornings. mornings set my teeth on edge. Mornings—for people like me—are the reason that the coffee bean industry will always be hopping. I'm like a teenage boy. i’m your stereotypical, caffeine and tramadol-addled obsessive compulsive, ready to greet you with a smile each day. But not before 12 p.m., so fuck off.
15. You don’t wear boxers. Wearing tightey whiteys as an adult says, “My mom breastfed me until i was five.”
16. You think that giving me flowers is romantic. f you haven’t gotten it by now, I'm not your typical girl. Flowers actually creep me out. When I was a kid, I was more scared of the fake flowers on a teddy bear that my grandma gave me than I was of our trashy next door neighbors, whose son was a “knight” in the Renaissance Festival every year and practiced out in the yard in his full Medieval regalia. In fact, I thought that was pretty fucking cool. I just really hate flowers. Seeing their little petals cheerfully poking out of the ground every spring just really pisses me off.
17. You expect me to cook and be a good little housewife. If it doesn’t come with microwave instructions, you’re shit out of luck. I’m pretty good at cleaning—fastidious, in fact, due to my obsessive compulsiveness—but the same problem steers me away from the joy of cooking. I’m always afraid I won’t get it right, so I don’t even try. If I’m making dinner, it’s going to be off-brand cereal and toast. Get used to it.
18. You don’t like girls who have tattoos. If that’s the case, then you can just walk right on by. I have four tattoos (two of which are readily visible, on my forearm, and two on my back). Two of them are fairly large. I have a peacock feather on my inner left arm that takes up 3/4 of my arm, as well as the Gaelic word “Scealai” on my inner left wrist. On my right shoulder, I have the quote, “for life’s not a paragraph and death i think is no parenthesis” from the e.e. cummings poem, “Since feeling is first.” And on my back I have a large piece which features a set of Libra scales with a human skull and a human heart in each scale. All of these pieces are personal works of art that mean a lot to me, more than you’ll ever know. No, I did not just drunkenly pick flash pieces off the tattoo shop wall. And I don’t have to explain them to you, unless you politely inquire. However, if you’re just going to sit there and say that girls with tattoos are trashy without being informed about them, then you can kindly tattoo a dick on your forehead. Tattoos can say a lot about a person, and that would say everything for you!
19. You use pet names. If you utter the words, “babe, hon, sweetie, mami, doll” etc., in my vicinity, you will get drop-kicked in the testicles, babycakes.
20. You are shorter than me. I'm 5'8, almost 5'9. If I can’t comfortably rest my head on your shoulder, it’s a no go. I don’t like to admit it, but I like when you can do that sexy tilt my chin up to kiss me thing. I’m almost 5’9, and the height requirement is 6 ft or higher.
Monday, January 10, 2011
Friday, January 7, 2011
I don't really know what I'm doing out here.
Well, I bought some stuff for myself today. I got some new leggings, some new boots, a shirt, and a cardigan. I also bought Juno a snazzy new ID tag. It's nice to have some money to buy things.
I can't write much until I get to a computer--right now, I'm using my phone until I get a new laptop. I'll post pictures of my new stuff when I get a chance. Time for sleep...work in five hours!
I can't write much until I get to a computer--right now, I'm using my phone until I get a new laptop. I'll post pictures of my new stuff when I get a chance. Time for sleep...work in five hours!
Saturday, January 1, 2011
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)