I wouldn't like me, either.

So, yesterday, I got home from work after an incredibly long day working from 8 a.m. to 6 p.m. Do you ever notice how sometimes a 14 hour shift will go a lot faster than an incredibly dull 10 hour shift?

Yeah. That's how today went for me. Anyway, so I got home from work, and I took my dog out and then played with and fed her and then I sat down on the couch, and I was like, you know what?
This is the fucking life, man. I don't have to listen to anyone else being annoying right now. I can be annoying in my own brain and that's okay because I'm used to it. I don't have to put up with anyone else's crap except mine and my dog's. It's a good feeling.

So anyway, I changed into my sweatpants and Alice in Wonderland t-shirt and I sat down on the couch after heating my dinner and queued up an episode of The Office on Netflix. While I'm shoving food in my mouth, I started thinking about how whatever guy thinks that every single goddamn thing I do is the cutest thing ever is a total sap, because it's definitely not cute when I shove food in my face. In fact, the only thing less cute than that is a pack of rabid wolves devouring a gazelle, or that scene in Alien where the alien bursts out of the guy's stomach.

At any rate, I debated this for a good portion of my evening and decided to write this list:

Reasons why no guy should ever want to date me:

1. I like junk food. Fuck yeah I like junk food. I'll fucking eat the shit out of almost any kind of potato chip, pretzel, snack food, etc. I eat like a thirteen-year-old boy and it ain't pretty.
2. Speaking of thirteen-year-old boys, I wear sweatpants at home and I also wear my old high school t-shirts. I graduated five years ago. I don't care.
3. I have a really, really loud laugh. An embarrassingly loud laugh. I also don't care about this.
4. I will tell you right away when you're being a dickhead or a bitch. You won't like it. No guy likes being told by his tiny, petite girlfriend that he's a bitch. I super do not care about that.
5. I'm not mean, but it takes me a while to warm up to people sometimes. Also, I always make fun of everyone. This is a fact. If you have trouble making fun of yourself, we can never be friends.
6. I don't like touching.
7. I like being able to come home and put on the music that I want to listen to without being one-upped or explained every detail of every nuance of every note.
8. I don't like to drink that much. I'm not going out to the bar every night. Maybe every other night, but not every night.
9. I hate holding hands. DO NOT touch my hands. Ever.
10. I eat pizza like four days a week. I also don't exercise. I drink coffee like it's water from the Fountain of Youth. I can still fit into size two jeans, and I have no ass.
11. I love my dog more than anything else. Anybody that I date from now on will just have to be secondary to my dog.
12. I live at work. I barely get any time off on a regular basis. I'm always working and I'm always busy and when I'm not busy I'm at home with my dog because she is more important to me than going out every single night.
13. I suck at using my phone. I cannot respond to texts when I am working, and I do not answer the phone unless I feel like it. Do not take offense to this, but I really hate talking on the phone. I do text more often than I call, but I absolutely cannot stand phone conversations.
14. I hate kids. I hate them. I especially hate babies. I don't care what anyone else thinks or has to say about the magic of a child. If a guy in his twenties thinks to himself, "Man, I want kids one day!" then he is an idiot. Kids are the worst thing ever and they ruin lives. I know I was a kid once, long ago, but that doesn't mean I need to perpetuate the trend. The trend stops with me. Now. Also, I can't actually have kids. So, don't ever try to have them with me.
15. I need my space. Last time, I ended up seeing that person like, every single damn day and it just got to the both of us after a while, I think. You're really stupid if you want to spend every single second with me or if you don't think you'll get sick of me. Trust me, you'll get sick of me. It might take a while, or not very long at all, but either way, one day, you'll look at me and go, "Man, I just want to smush her little face in." And don't worry, while you're thinking that, I'm thinking, "God, I just want to bash his skull in and eat his brains for breakfast tomorrow." So we'll be even. I'm a writer and at heart, I'm a solitary person. I enjoy being by myself, and when I'm in a relationship with someone again, they will need to understand that I need to be alone. That includes calling, texting, Skyping, chatting online, etc., etc. Just go away, dude. When I need your services, I will find you.