I really can't believe it's already halfway through July. Already! Time has flown by for me lately and sometimes I get this overwhelming feeling like I can't catch up on all of the things I need to do. I still haven't registered for fall classes yet. I keep putting it off, kind of like I feel like I'm not ready to go back to class again in two months. I think I'm going to only taking one class at a time. I can't focus on three or four at once. Even two during spring quarter was kind of brutal because I was working so much. Student loans are looming over my head, and so are medical bills from last year, too. Sometimes I just feel like it's all way too much. I'm never going to catch up. I'm never going to get out of retail and find myself a job that pays more. I'm envious of the people who can afford even basic things without having to worry about it. Not just rich people, but people who don't have to scrounge up change for food three days before they get paid. I'm sick of living paycheck to paycheck and not being paid enough to deal with what I deal with every single day. Don't get me wrong, I love my job and my co-workers dearly, but just the overall unfairness of dealing with the public every day and cleaning up their messes and the meager compensation for it SUCKS.
Retail is kicking my ass, but it's the only thing I can do that I'm good at until I finally finish college. I'm tired all of the time, I'm stressed out, and being sick all the time doesn't help things either. My symptoms are worse and worse every day. By looking at me, you would never know what I suffer from. I try not to let it get me down or talk about it or let it show through while I'm working. I don't think many people my age understand, or they think that I'm making it up or exaggerating when I say that I physically feel much, much older than I really am. And it's because I do. The chronic fatigue syndrome certainly doesn't help matters, but on top of that, I'm in some level of pain at any given moment, EVERY SINGLE DAY.
It annoys me sometimes when people my age are like, "I have a headache" or "I don't feel good" and they whine about it, like my brother who is a ridiculously annoying hypochondriac. I always want to stop and say to him, "I know your pain is real, but if you felt the way that I did every single day and had to hide how bad you feel all the time then you would know what real pain is like. Stop crying about your frickin' headache, for Christ's sake." But I keep my mouth shut, because that sounds kind of snotty and it isn't really fair of me to say something like that, because it's true. Nobody does know how I feel unless they are also sick with the same thing. So I've kind of started checking out online support groups and message boards so I can remind myself that I'm not crazy, that my illness is real and that other people feel like I do, too. Other people understand.
My goal, one day, is to get a job where I can sit at a fucking desk and not have to deal with the public. I used to recoil at the idea of working in a cubicle or something, but BRING IT. Bring that damn cubicle on! I would get down on my knees and praise a cubicle (even though it would take me twenty minutes to get back up).
I don't want a grandiose life for myself. When I was a kid, I used to tell myself that I was different from everybody else and that I would be highly successful as a veterinarian or a dentist or something. Now, I have no idea what the fuck I want to do with my life except that I don't want to work in retail forever. I don't really care if I don't make a lot of money, just enough to not have to worry every single time I get paid. I'm fine with settling in a job somewhere, with a cute little house and my dog and the man whom I'm lucky enough to call my best friend.
This sort of life is becoming much more appealing to me than being a starving writer in New York City, like I used to dream of doing. I want to be able to have a career, not just a job. I used to want to move around a lot and see different places, but the older I'm getting, the worse my symptoms are and the less stress, the better. I'm fine with settling somewhere and just being able to travel. That's why I don't want kids. I want to see other places and do interesting things.
But for now, all of these things are in the future. For now, I'm lucky enough to have finally been able to clean my house and get my life back on track, slowly but surely. Everyone has to start somewhere, and it's much nicer to be able to come home and not trip all over the shoes in my bedroom.
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